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Monday, February 20, 2012

51/366: cry


Have you ever cried so hard till your heart hurts?

It was my first time experiencing it tonight.
Previously the maximum of physical pain or pressure I've ever felt from crying was to the extend of feeling that my soul has been torn apart, or that my bones were continuously shattering.


But to literally feel that my heart, was hurting to the core of it, or to say being aligned in the same outburst of pain my cry was unleashing......... it was so, awakening.
Awakening to a sense, that I realize I was thinking too much to have reached that emotionally overwhelming stage.
Awakening to a sense, that I could somehow understand, or catch just a glimpse of what it feels like to directly lose someone I've loved with all my heart.
Awakening to a sense, that I came to a conclusion that because of what I felt, the reason I have cried to must be so dang fudging important to me.

Which is true.


I cried tonight because of Lost:
#1. Once upon a time I had a massive dream about music. Along the years I was blurred from the vision I had. Meeting a new piano teacher tonight, I am reminded that my piano playing is rusty. The fact that I've stopped learning Grade 7 in 2008, and leaping to pursue Grade 8 practical exam in 2012 (out of a sudden)....... is a massive leap of faith. I would blame myself over again for losing pieces of my passion for music previously, if not I could have fought hard since the early years to excel in it. I don't ever want to lose music again. I can't. I've already lost ballet. And ice-skating. Which I will find again one day.
 #2. Remembering my grandpa, driving instructor and distant friend who moved on from life on earth... my heart breaks. Additionally, remembering that it took me more than months, or even a year to finally accept the fact that my old dog was lost (partly my fault)........ was excruciatingly hard. The truth is when you lose a friend, a lover, or a family member due to some argument/misunderstanding........... with one phone call or many measures to re conciliate: SETTLED. But when you lose someone to death, and when you lose an animal in real life, by no means, there is no way to settle it....... but just to pray, and to painstakingly leave the lost behind. No, I did not have any argument/misunderstanding with my grandpa, driving instructor, distant friend or my dog.... I just had words/things of appreciation unsaid :')  
To learn to appreciate everyone more in the future.

I'm fine now.
All this makes me a stronger person.
I needed this to be discipline.
& the lesson learned to be carved into my flesh and blood, in order to carry what I lost to be within me, in order to overcome of what's not with me.


x

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